My GrandpaT always said at nearly every meal to at least one of us grandkids "Why don't you eat and leave the food alone?" Which, to a 5 yr old, is pretty confusing. I think I have it figured out, but don't tell my family. We all believe what we want about Grandpa's words of wisdom on just about everything in the world.
For me, I will simply say - it makes me wonder what in the world I really have eaten myself into...

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Inspired... starting over... touching base...

First, it's been a year since my last blog. It's been a pretty crazy year.... let's catch up shall we?

When I wrote about my friendship with Amy - it was a project for a class, but a sincere true account of a friendship I grieve the loss of. Around that time I was also going through a lot with my love life. I had lost about 43 lbs. in pretty much no time because I'm the opposite of most people... the higher my stress level, the less I eat. When I am happiest is when I am my heaviest. I'm not happy because of the weight, of course... that is just a side effect of my happy eating habits. When I am depressed, stressed, whatever... I have no appetite.

As you should know by now - Fubs and I split back in August of 2013... I then spent the next few months adjusting after losing him, but remaining friends. I went back to school in January, a great thing for me. In February I went to visit my friends in Maryland and Pennsylvania. Fubs and I, well... nothing had changed, but... nothing had changed. We were still in love, and still couldn't figure out how to make it work. He'd even found someone he liked (Reason #1 why I lost so much weight), but we were still... it just... well... we couldn't stop fighting about the same things. Even though my visit helped me come to realize how much I missed my life in PA, not just him... the place, the people, everything and I felt confidant I would move back, it was just going to be awhile till we could figure it out.

Then I had a bit of a distraction. He was amazing, wonderful, sweet, caring... made me feel cherished, appreciated, and cared for. He wasn't for me... but he was just enough distraction to shake Fubs up, and God was able to slap him upside the head, helping him see he was about to lose me for good. In the shortest possible way I can express what happened over the next few weeks:

            Fubs got a promotion. Now he is Hubs!      #jandkgetmarried

So I mini-me and I are living in Maryland with Hubs and B-ro. We love our house, we love her school, we both like our jobs, and we're doing great... Now... the reason I am inspired and starting over..

I've been struggling with and working on my weight all my life. I've lost. I've gained. I've been heavier than I am now, and plateaued so many places over the years on the way up the scale and down... I finally made a decision. It's one I have researched for a long time. One I have debated and started and given up on a few times already. Timing, finances, circumstances, and insurance issues have just never been with me. Hopefully they are now. Hubs and I went to a weight loss surgery seminar last week. I am researching options in the area (we didn't like that one) and hopefully I will be moving forward soon. Penn State Hershey Medical is looking like the winner so far. I'll update as I know more.

Many of you know me... many of you know I am probably the most confidant chubby chic you have ever met. Not fake confidence, but really-truly-genuinely-happy with myself-I love me! type of confidence. But two years ago I had to get off a roller coaster ride because I was too fat to fit in the safety bar of a car just like all the other rides that I had already ridden that day. It really didn't bother me, I was ok with it... it was an older coaster. It just wasn't going to work. Until I turned around and saw my beautiful daughter's face full of fear that she would have to ride alone. There was no revulsion.. no pain.. no shame... not yet. But there could have been, and someday there may be... but none of that pushed me to this decision. It was the look on her face of fear of being left alone. Something my weight will eventually cause at a much earlier time in her life than necessary if I don't fix it.

There is more I'd like to share now - but it will have to wait. I need to go... but first... Kudos to my friends Lee and Renee Blanchard and The Skinny on He and She. You are what inspired me to blog this journey. And yall got me so excited to get this process going... Thanks!

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