My GrandpaT always said at nearly every meal to at least one of us grandkids "Why don't you eat and leave the food alone?" Which, to a 5 yr old, is pretty confusing. I think I have it figured out, but don't tell my family. We all believe what we want about Grandpa's words of wisdom on just about everything in the world.
For me, I will simply say - it makes me wonder what in the world I really have eaten myself into...

Thursday, May 26, 2016

From Whence We Came (#4 in my Bariatric Stories)

A part of this journey is reflection on your past. How you got here, where you're going.

I've mentioned my eating disorder as a teen. If you've read my earlier posts you've gotten a glimpse of my last 13 yrs or so from my stories. But let's re-cap, and fill in some of my earlier info:

Born in California where we met a dynamic preacher and followed him to Michigan to help him start his ministry there. I grew up in Michigan, normal stuff - nothing major. My teen years included leaving that church, suicidal tendencies, rebellion, a rape, and then going away to Lee University in Cleveland, TN (That's where Hubs and I met!) and quitting there...twice. My 20's were fun and full of friends and work. My relationships were random.
At 28, I moved to Louisiana to start a new life and try living away from all I held dear and all I needed to leave behind to grow. What an awesome experience. I learned so much about myself and who I am on my own away from those who made me who I am.
I met my daughter's father (The Exhole) but he is not who this little trip down memory lane is about.. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on my 30th birthday. A surprise, since my doc's told me when I was 23 that I'd probably not have kids. A blessing, of course... but a rough road since The Exhole and I should never have been together in the first place.

That situation made my pregnancy less than ideal. I was healthy.. but stressed, and didn't enjoy pregnancy like I'd always dreamed I would. Then I had her. Then the hormones went all kinds of crazy. The post partum depression set in.

You remember Brooke Shields and her book about her post partum? Yep.. this was next level.

I was not suicidal, or felt thoughts of self harm. I was just genuinely scared spit-less. If you know me, you would know I was born to be a mom. I have cared for children since I was 8 years old and took neighbor kids to the park to play so their mom's could get the house clean. My irrational fear of mommyhood was only explained by post partum depression. When my parents said they were going back to Michigan just 4 days after Peaches and I came home, I begged them to stay. I honestly thought I would lay her down in the middle of the living room floor and walk out, never to return again. I could see myself doing this. Like, actually saw flashes of it happening in my mind. They stayed a few more days, and then I was able to them go. I was a bit better by then, and of course they knew nothing of my fear.

I settled into mommyhood, slowly but surely. The post partum clung to me though until she was almost a year old. I remember walking down almost any stairs many times and I'd have to stop and clutch her to me to be sure the flash of her flying down the stairwell wasn't because I had just dropped (or thrown!) her. I had to stop and make sure it was just in  my head. Changing her diaper was even a nightmare sometimes. I'd be looking at her and then see a pillow over her face. I'd have to blink and breathe till I saw her smiling up at me instead. That's just two examples. Others included me seeing someone else hurt her, or she just being hurt and I was helpless to stop it. This wasn't just the imagining of a worried first time mom either. This was a desperate darkness that I thought I'd never survive.

I did. Obviously, and the baby girl is now my pride and joy. This is great! After coming clear of the fog of post partum I also dealt with my thyroid betraying me, which brought on a whole new slew of issues.

The whole point to this is that I'm reminded of these hormonal changes and the havoc they wreak on our minds. As part of WLS, you're body releases floods of hormones into you as it releases fat (where said hormones have been chilling for years). I am reflecting on all this to prepare myself for what is to come. The next year or so may be difficult for me in this way. It may be hard on my family. I am praying that remembering where I've been will help me get where I am going more smoothly.

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