I'm finally ready to post this....

Day 78: wow...can't believe it's been that long.

Here I am - not sure about how much to share, if I will publish, if I do publish, will I post it on FB?

Fact is Fubs and I split. He still feels like my Fubs, and we still talk pretty much daily.

I went to a wedding today, spent the whole ceremony and reception knowing, in my very soul that he is who I want to marry. Not sure if it can happen now. I hope. I pray. We'll see. He is second only in my life to my daughter.

No one to talk to. No one to whine to except him. What good does that do?

I miss him. I miss us. I miss the certainty I used to have. Which is weird since before I walked away I had become so unsure anyway.

There is no future for us at the moment though. As long as I am committed to, and in school, and he is in no position to help me accomplish that goal, we can't even consider being in the same city again. Not till I graduate. I might be able to find work there - but in three years... will we be a possibility still?

It will be what it will be. I need to quit trying to make it happen. But when I try to take a breather - get some perspective, he calls me. Or messages me. And it's something that shows us both how much he needs me. My need for him isn't debatable. I need him because I love him. Why does he need me though?

Anyway - I will add to this particular page a lot I am sure - not sure it will ever publish.. we'll see.

Day 110: Nov. 14. It's been over 3 months since I saw him. over 3 months since we split. We're still together though.. Just. Not.

Day 112: Thought I had a line on how to get to see him. It failed. Major disappointment Uhgain. Shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. But I prayed! I asked God to let it happen if it was supposed to, and stop it if now was not the time. So as tempted as I am to push and find a way to MAKE it happen - I wont. That way lies disaster to what I want for real. I want God's will, not mine. God's Will NOT Mine! Amen. Please let it be Amen. I just need to let it go and not be so stinkin sad about it. I ran a red light tonight because I was too focused on how bummed I was! And there is a gun show this weekend. It would be so great to be able to go look at guns with him. I love him. I can say that here right? Ughhh.. Yup. LOVE STINKS

Day 147: January 23. I've been in school for 2 almost 3 weeks now. And coming to realize more and more how much work it will be, and how LONG it will be. Anywhere from 2 years 3 months (If I got so super lucky and a miracle happens) or 3 yrs 3 months (most likely, but sucks) or 4 yrs 3 months (Worst case scenario and completely unacceptable). John says he isn't going to wait "in a box" for that whole time.. Which means of course I am panicking and worried that I will lose him completely. And trying to figure a way to transfer, but Harrisburg is the closest school with a DMS program. Then I wonder if I should just go for Dental Assistant so I can just get done and get out of here. Phlebotomy, maybe? I don't know. I'm FRUSTRATED. A few things I need to do though - Get my letters of recommendation. Get a letter verifying the hours I worked at VNA.Get my CPR card. Get and maintain a 3.7 or better GPA.
So much pressure to get done and get back to him. It just scares me because I am afraid and he has said as much, that he may not want me when I'm done. This breaks my heart so much. I have to keep giving it to God. It's the only way I will make it.

Day 149: 1/25 - losing my soulmate. He wants to move on. So broken and hurt right now.

Day 152: 1/28 - I remember God has a plan, and I believe that plan is for John and I to end up together. My chest, shoulders, back burn every time I talk about him, or see his pic, or anything. I think I am moving to MD no matter what, because I love it there. If he is available then great, if not. I will survive.

6/28/14 - I did it. I moved. And now we're married. It's been alomst a year and a half since the last entry (1/28/13) in that time, I went down for a visit. Remembered how much I love there, the people, the life. I wanted to go back and stay. I had decided to. Then I got distracted. Hubs didnt seem to mind, till I told him I was staying in MI to see how that distraction played out. He woke up and fought for me. The one thing he said he would never do. We got married August 17, 2013. It's all good now.

Livin' Large!

And large I live...

No weight loss to speak of. I keep going up and down. It's going to be awhile before I can have the Roux-En-Y. 1) Hubs needs it. 2) We can't afford one of us, let alone two of us. :::le sigh:::

Inspired... starting over... touching base...

First, it's been a year since my last blog. It's been a pretty crazy year.... let's catch up shall we?

When I wrote about my friendship with Amy - it was a project for a class, but a sincere true account of a friendship I grieve the loss of. Around that time I was also going through a lot with my love life. I had lost about 43 lbs. in pretty much no time because I'm the opposite of most people... the higher my stress level, the less I eat. When I am happiest is when I am my heaviest. I'm not happy because of the weight, of course... that is just a side effect of my happy eating habits. When I am depressed, stressed, whatever... I have no appetite.

As you should know by now - Fubs and I split back in August of 2013... I then spent the next few months adjusting after losing him, but remaining friends. I went back to school in January, a great thing for me. In February I went to visit my friends in Maryland and Pennsylvania. Fubs and I, well... nothing had changed, but... nothing had changed. We were still in love, and still couldn't figure out how to make it work. He'd even found someone he liked (Reason #1 why I lost so much weight), but we were still... it just... well... we couldn't stop fighting about the same things. Even though my visit helped me come to realize how much I missed my life in PA, not just him... the place, the people, everything and I felt confidant I would move back, it was just going to be awhile till we could figure it out.

Then I had a bit of a distraction. He was amazing, wonderful, sweet, caring... made me feel cherished, appreciated, and cared for. He wasn't for me... but he was just enough distraction to shake Fubs up, and God was able to slap him upside the head, helping him see he was about to lose me for good. In the shortest possible way I can express what happened over the next few weeks:

            Fubs got a promotion. Now he is Hubs!      #jandkgetmarried

So I mini-me and I are living in Maryland with Hubs and B-ro. We love our house, we love her school, we both like our jobs, and we're doing great... Now... the reason I am inspired and starting over..

I've been struggling with and working on my weight all my life. I've lost. I've gained. I've been heavier than I am now, and plateaued so many places over the years on the way up the scale and down... I finally made a decision. It's one I have researched for a long time. One I have debated and started and given up on a few times already. Timing, finances, circumstances, and insurance issues have just never been with me. Hopefully they are now. Hubs and I went to a weight loss surgery seminar last week. I am researching options in the area (we didn't like that one) and hopefully I will be moving forward soon. Penn State Hershey Medical is looking like the winner so far. I'll update as I know more.

Many of you know me... many of you know I am probably the most confidant chubby chic you have ever met. Not fake confidence, but really-truly-genuinely-happy with myself-I love me! type of confidence. But two years ago I had to get off a roller coaster ride because I was too fat to fit in the safety bar of a car just like all the other rides that I had already ridden that day. It really didn't bother me, I was ok with it... it was an older coaster. It just wasn't going to work. Until I turned around and saw my beautiful daughter's face full of fear that she would have to ride alone. There was no revulsion.. no pain.. no shame... not yet. But there could have been, and someday there may be... but none of that pushed me to this decision. It was the look on her face of fear of being left alone. Something my weight will eventually cause at a much earlier time in her life than necessary if I don't fix it.

There is more I'd like to share now - but it will have to wait. I need to go... but first... Kudos to my friends Lee and Renee Blanchard and The Skinny on He and She. You are what inspired me to blog this journey. And yall got me so excited to get this process going... Thanks!