Sunday morning the 11th, I woke up like any other day, but I REALLY didn't want to get up. I was feeling the need to stay in bed. At almost the minute before it was too late to make it to church in time I finally thought: "Kristal, you idiot.. get your butt up and go to church." So I did.
I walked in and found my usual seat. Praise & worship (P&W) started and I spent most of it just trying to reign in my brain. I was so scattered and unfocused. I struggled to get my head and heart in to it. By the last song I had settled more and was ready to get into the word.
I hugged a few necks and shook a few hands like we always do after P&W, then pulled up my YouVersion bible on the ol' iPod. Pastor spoke on Luke 5:36-39, the parable of new wine and old wine skins. A take on it I've heard before and again I was still pulling my brain in to focus constantly so I missed Pastor's segue, but the next thing I knew he was asking us to stand up. During P&W practice, he said, they practiced this song, and he had an idea. My Pastor is pretty careful about saying God told him to do something, so he kinda joked "I don't know if it was God or me, but we're gonna do it". 'Do it' being sing this song:
I feel like I try to be sensitive to the spirit most of the time, but in P&W, I feel exceptionally so. This song in particular is one of my favorites as it encompasses an intercessory prayer so to speak. If I have been called to anything in this life by God, Intercession is definitely a part of my calling.
As pastor spoke, and the song began - I started talking to God. Telling him how I still really feel like a 2nd class christian, how I know I have sinned, I have sought forgiveness, turned and now here I am still feeling like a second class christian. I'm not perfect by any means. I don't even strive for it! At this point in my life,. I'm struggling to survive day to day let alone live it perfectly. But where I was 6 months ago? I am LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was then. Then, I just wanted to get back to where I was before I met my daughter's father 11 yrs ago. Now? I realize that I have NEVER felt like anything but a 2nd class christian, like I have never been where I really want to be in my walk with God.
OK, I am re-reading and realize unless you have read my earliest blog posts, or know me personally you would not know what you need to know to understand all that. Here's the short story: I have spent the better part of my life chasing God for a time, and running away from Him the rest. Not a lot of in-between. Most recently, I was divorced, dated around a bit, met a guy (Fubs) and moved in with him. 3 yrs into the relationship I found myself miserable and missing my relationship with God. So He got me out, and now I am here trying to put my life back together and make sure I don't make these same mistakes.
Anyway, By the end of the song I was in the alter area and crying out to God for our church, for me, for Him to just let the river flow in us, in me, around us all. Pastor then called the rest of the congregation to step up if they wanted God to let the river flow in them too. At the end, Pastor motioned for me to step in front of him. Please know, I don't believe my pastor often does what he was about to do. He is very cautious with what he says God or the spirit has moved him to do. As he should be, that's pretty powerful stuff!
Forgive me if I don't word it quite the way he said it but he came to me and said something like "When you came to the front I felt like God wanted to do something in you. He says there is a turn around coming for you, a turn around in your life if you will sell out to Him." There may have been more, but that is it in its simplicity.
That moved me. It spoke to me and what I had just been saying to God about feeling mediocre and some of the things I still need to work on. So for the last 4 days, I have been scrutinizing all my little habits and foibles. Weeding out the minor things that I have always ignored because the major things were so major. Working on the major things and making sure they have no roots. Because although I may not 'do' any of those things now... they may have roots here in my soul, and how can I feel like a "1st Class" Christian with rotted roots in there? It's a process. But I'm already talking to God daily again. And not just a morning prayer or a night time prayer - an ongoing, all day, stream of consciousness conversation. I have dug back into my bible, and am working through a personal study of a book called "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson (excellent read, and lessons in prayer!).
I have been posting on Facebook daily about what I am thankful for since the first of November ( as many of us have) and that has been tremendous in encouraging me as I contemplate my blessings. This whole last few months have been changing. I mean - I quit smoking 2 yrs ago, but it's only been these last few months I actually identified myself as a non-smoker... I have been through a major upheaval and I survived it without going and buying a pack! If you know me, you know that is HUGE. This is just one of the things that I have worked on, and indicative of the types of things in my life I have needed to weed out.
I am in awe of what God wants to do for me, and in me, and I hope, in those around me because of what He is doing in me. I am blessed to still have a heart for God after all the times I have run from Him. I am thankful for the message God gave my pastor for me last Sunday, because I needed to hear that there is a turn around in store for me, and the gentle reminder that I can do more (sell out!) to stop feeling like a 2nd Class Christian.
