My GrandpaT always said at nearly every meal to at least one of us grandkids "Why don't you eat and leave the food alone?" Which, to a 5 yr old, is pretty confusing. I think I have it figured out, but don't tell my family. We all believe what we want about Grandpa's words of wisdom on just about everything in the world.
For me, I will simply say - it makes me wonder what in the world I really have eaten myself into...

Friday, April 22, 2016

The One Where Kristal Rambles (BS#3)

Here's the thing people, I have no rhyme or reason to today's blog post. I just have a lot on my mind and a lot to talk about right now.

Let's start with: I am doing horribly at this pre-op weight loss thing. I cut out soda (uhgain), it's been 3 weeks. I'm DYING for a coke. McD's Large Coke in a styrofoam cup, plz! I AM going to the gym. It's not my favorite place. I like the gym itself okay...I hate the sweating and the huffing and the puffing part of it. Really makes me cranky. I'm facing some of my personal demons too. Hello Binge Eating and Bulimia - you've been gone for so long.

Yes, I said Bulimia. Let me tell you about my past relationship with bulimia. As a 12 yr old, my mom in her own insecurities and the insecurities of a generation of women who suddenly discovered (thanks to Cable TV and all those glamorous tv shows like "Dallas") that their comfy curvy Marilyn Monroe-esque size 14 figures were no longer acceptable, decided she needed to DIET! And hey, here's my 12 yr old daughter who is 5 inches taller than all the other girls her age, and already outgrown her size 12 kids clothes - she must diet too! Now mind you... I do NOT blame my mom for this. Her thinking was no different than many millions of other women suffering their adulthood starting in the 60's and 70's. Also, we're talking about a time when kids clothes essentially stopped at size 12, unless you were "Husky" which was actually in the sizing of your clothes. ie" 12H. Maybe some brands even went so far as 14H. But anything beyond 14... you went to adult clothing. They didn't have "Juniors" back then. Not really. So there I was. 12 years old, taller and curvier than all the other girls my age. I was a walking target for bullying, which was bad enough, but then my mom had her well meaning church lady friends who suggested she put me on a diet. That's about the age I was when I drank my first protein/weight loss shake. Shaklee, With a banana in it. We also took Herbalife supplements. :::facedesk:::

At 16 I was officially overweight (now, I would have been considered obese). I did many diets. But my favorite thing to do? I could diet like the best of them, then one day, about every 3rd or 4th week, I'd stay home "sick" from school. I spent the day binge eating whatever I could make without my mom noticing the missing food. Mac & Cheese (the whole box). Cream of Wheat, w/toast. Cheese. Potatoes (raw, w/salt). Fried eggs w/cheese and bacon bits. Cookie Dough that I would mix a half batch up for just me. I ate till I was full, then puke it up. Cook something else, Eat. Puke. Find food. Eat. Puke. All day. I would clean my messes up, and leave no trace of me ever having eaten a thing. Then when dinner time came I'd say I was still not feeling well and skip dinner. Sometime before bed, I'd make something light and act like I was feeling better.

Along with any eating disorder, I found myself sneaking masses of junk food. Not from my parents cupboards... we didn't have any. No - I was working by then. I had my own money. I'd stop on my way home from work (Taco Bell) after having eaten there, and buy a stash of junk food. I'd stuff a bunch in my face before going home and then hide the rest til I could eat it without alerting the 'rents.

Please, understand through all of this I was also dealing with a very shaky faith in God, in fact I often had a complete lack of belief that I meant anything to God, and my very life suffered for it too. I will state here and now, I would not be who I am, and where I am if not for God. This journey is not separate in anyway from my journey through my christian walk. The two very much go hand in hand.

The low self esteem, lack of faith, binge eating, bulimia, and excessive weight were all part of my life for many years. BUT!! If you go back in my blog posts you'll read one titled "A Friendly Boost" about how I learned to have self esteem despite my life. Read it now or later, but read it please. If you struggle with self image at all, I would love to share this story with you.

With my developing self esteem and growing strength in the foundations of life with Jesus I learned one weird thing. I didn't need food to feel happy! In fact, I started to eat most often when I was ALREADY happy! Oh, and do you know how churches celebrate ANYTHING!? Oh yes, my dears...potluck!!!!! So, for the last few decades, I've done my best weight loss when under extreme stress or depression. Which means I have successfully lost a large amount of weight exactly 3 times since highschool. I didn't do any diets or anything..I just lose my appetite to the extent that I have to force myself to eat anything. The rest of the time, I'm generally happy, and generally eat because I can, and I love all the bad for you stuff.

So let's get back to those demons lurking in my past. These last few weeks, as I try to get my protein up, carbs down, etc... I find myself obsessed with food in a way I haven't been since highschool. I want to stop and get a chocolate shake. When I run to the store, if there is no one with me I actually contemplate buying an entire box of goodies and hiding them from my husband. Not just a candy bar, and hiding it because he'll eat it. Oh no, I want to hide it because I'm ashamed for him to see me be so weak. I haven't binged in one sitting yet, but I'm finding it harder to stop when I'm satisfied then I have in a long time. I don't have a desire to stick my finger down my throat so I can eat more either... but I'm afraid that thought will cross my mind a few time before I hit my goal weight. I don't know. I certainly have no answers at this point. I'm going to be dealing with these demons and many more for awhile. I just need to tell you all about it. I have some vague strategies in place to combat them. The biggest being that I just refuse to go back down those roads. But it doesn't mean I don't mentally fight with them all the time.

You will hear it again and again from me. Weight Loss Surgery is not the easy way out. It's just a tool. And yes, you get a lovely 6 month jump on weight loss, "The Honeymoon". But after that, you can screw it up. I pray I don't.

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